Nightmare.

One night in the pub with the pints going down
A statuesque blonde walked into the Crown.

She sat down beside me on a bar-stool
I paid for her drink - playing it cool.

Her name was Jean and she lived locally
In a mansion with her brothers three.

She knew me as Ben, a local lad
A confirmed bachelor, with a luxurious pad.

After lunch she suggested that we
Go back to her place for coffee.

By this time I was shamelessly drunk
My libido by then had definitely shrunk.

In hindsight I should have gone home to bed
But Jean provoked erotic thoughts in my head.

At the time I was in no condition to see
What this hellcat had in store for me.

She helped me to the car, no mean feat
Then a passionate embrace in the back seat.

Once in her flat I fell back on the bed
Didn’t say a word, went absolutely dead.

I know now I went out like a light
I still have no memory of that night.

I was buff naked when I opened my eyes
And took in the scene with some surprise…

From the kitchen a middle aged woman said,
‘There’s bacon and eggs if you get out of bed.’

She reminded me of the blonde of last night
Probably her mother, about the same height.

But when she spoke again it became clear
That I had got hold of the wrong idea.

‘You were great last night Ben
I can’t wait to see you again.’

So this fool had been too drunk to see
That his ‘conquest’ was aged fifty- three.

Must leave - have no reason to stay
It was just a one-nighter anyway.

So after breakfast I made my adieu
She said softly, ‘Be seeing you.’

Two days later around about ten
A bang on the door introduced three men.

The biggest one looked down at me
With a cynical smile he said chillingly…

‘Our sister Jeanie has taken to you
So marry her and this we will do…

‘Pay twenty thousand into your account
Then after the wedding we’ll double the amount.’

They couldn’t be serious - I won’t take part
I joked, ‘Sorry lads I’m a bachelor at heart.’

I attempted to push them away from the door
When two vicious blows knocked me to the floor…

‘You stupid bastard I mean what I say
For that you’ll suffer everyday…

‘Until you agree to marry our Jean
You’re life won’t be worth a bean.’

Later when I was sure I was alone
I reached painfully for the phone.

The police were helpful, but days went by
No charges were made - they had an alibi.

Friends of theirs were prepared to say
The brothers were with them that vital day.

From then on my troubles began
My car was sprayed with an aerosol can.

Then my boss received a file…
Depicting my activities as a paedophile.

Plus a mugging or two to keep me in line
But I didn’t concede – stood up every time.

There was no evidence, when I did complain
The brothers Lees were too clever again.

Damn them! They won’t get me down…
If it gets too bad I’ll leave town.

Suddenly the harassment stopped; my life improved
Then a call to say my parents had been moved.

They were safe for now any rate…
That would continue if I set the date.

I pleaded, ‘Don’t hurt them in any way…
I’ll contact Jean and we’ll choose a day.’

The brothers must be totally mad
To think they can threaten my mum and dad.

But I had to take them seriously…
To call their bluff could be risky.

Either way they’ve won - I’ll give up the fight…
Visit the Crown and get drunk tonight.

Tomorrow I’ll sign the contract to wed…
Then soon we’ll be together in bed.

Trapped for an eternity…
In a marriage that’s abhorrent to me.

We decided on the 18th of June…
The registry office at twelve noon.

My friends and family were very surprised…
Especially dad, who thought it ill advised.

The dreaded day arrived - I took in the scene
As I stood beside my future wife Jean.

I saw her as an insane cow…
Determined to have her moment now.

I panicked - the trap closing fast
I could feel it’s icy blast.

But instead of saying the words, ‘I do.’
She mumbled something I couldn’t construe.

Then clutching her chest she fell to the floor
Instinctively, I knew she was dead for sure.

What a lucky escape, I was highly elated…
This I could not have anticipated.

At the funeral I hid my relief…
While displaying some semblance of grief.

The twenty grand I returned…
You don’t cross the Lees… That I had learned.

Good times were back - I had a life
Always a bachelor - I don’t need a wife…

I’ll disappear and move on
To a new job in Warrington.

The brothers three - I try to ignore…
To think I was nearly their brother-in-law.

The moral is, don’t get too drunk…
Or your prospects could be permanently shrunk!